When we decide to open to the sacred dimension of our relationships, our essential pathway is communication. When most people think about communication, we think about the words that come out of our mouths. But just as important as sharing our reality with others is the ability to listen and give space for others to share their reality with us. A midrash, a rabbinic commentary teaches that the letters of the Torah are black fire written on white fire. This articulation points to the reality that the words only have meaning when there is some silence or blank space to receive them. The only way that human beings can understand or comprehend words or ideas is if they make space to receive them. And, when it comes to strengthening and deepening our relationships, understanding the reality behind the words of another is essential.
In fact, it might be true that our Jewish tradition views the ability to listen well as the primary way that we experience the Divine Presence in our lives. The central prayer in Jewish tradition, Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheynu Adonai Ehad, is said every morning and evening, as one drifts off to sleep, and is the last words we say before death. “Listen Israel, the Infinite One is Our God, The Infinite One Unites Everything.” One doesn’t need to delve into theology to glean that the basic instruction in this prayer is to listen, to hear, to understand. In fact, in the book of Deuteronomy, the word Shema – “listen” appears no less than 92 times. No word has appeared more times in any other book of the Torah. The way to understand, to connect, is to listen.
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks- the chief rabbi of Britain teaches that listening is one of Judaism’s most original contributions to civilization. He teaches that the twin foundations on which Western culture was built were Ancient Greece and ancient Israel. Greece was a profoundly visual culture. It’s greatest achievements –art, sculpture, architecture, theater, the Olympic Games were all things that were seen. And in order to see, one has to detach. There is the one who sees, the subject, and there is that which is seen – the object, and they belong to two different realms. A person who looks at art or theater or sports games is a spectator, not a participant.
Judaism offered a radical alternative. It offered a relationship with God that we cannot see. And in fact, any attempt to represent the ultimate relationship visually is a form of idolatry. Moses reminds the people of what happened at Mt. Sinai – “You heard the sound of words, but saw no image; there was only a voice.” The rabbis of the Talmud base all metaphors of understanding on hearing, not seeing. Ta Shema – “come and hear”, Ka Mashma lan- “it teaches this”, Shema Mina, “infer from this” and there are other phrases.
Speaking and listening are not forms of detachment. They are forms of engagement. They create relationship. While many of us know this intellectually, our approaches to speaking and listening don’t always create or deepen connection. Much of the pain we feel in our lives come as the result of certain conversations with other people. Many things can create conflict in relationships, but what sustains it is the feeling on the part of at least one of the parties that they have not been heard. They have not been listened to. We have not “heard their pain.” There has been a failure of empathy. Think about it: Why do people shout and yell at each other? They want to be understood. They’re basically yelling, “Understand me! Listen to me! Respect me! The problem is that the yelling is so emotionally charged and so disrespectful toward the other person that it creates defensiveness and more anger – even vindictiveness – and the cycle feeds on itself. As the interaction continues, the anger deepens and increases, and people end up not getting their point across at all. The relationship is wounded, and it takes far more time and effort to deal with the problems created by yelling at each other, then if just one party made the effort to listen and understand.
Martin Buber, the 20th century theologian, taught that God is primarily experienced in our relationships when they have an I-Thou orientation. He teaches that most of our relationships are I-It – we relate to others as they are objects. We relate to another as an “it”, an object, when their existence in any given moment is about how they fit into our world, our agenda. In conversation, another may exist only as someone to hear our stories – a place for us to express ourselves. If we want something from them, the goal of our conversation is to get what we want, and we only focus on information that helps us achieve our goal. If we feel strongly about something – an idea, a situation, or a person, we may be looking for them to affirm our perspective. In an I-It relationship, we are consumed in our own perspective, desires, and needs and we are not open to hearing and understanding the other’s reality. Our inability to connect with them at any given moment is because we are relating to them as an object. In our interaction, true unfiltered listening doesn’t take place.
I experience this I-It approach to my relationships almost every day of my life. I notice that I get so consumed and attached to my agenda of things that need to be done, that my wife and my kids can become objects – bodies to get out to school on time, loud voices and screaming that need to be silenced, house cleaners that have a job to do. In those moments, their realities disappear, and only mine exists. Those are the moments when I feel most disconnected and where hurt feelings become possible.
However, Buber teaches that in an I-Thou relationship, we truly see the other as an expression of the Divine, or God, of being sacred and worthy of our attention and respect. We acknowledge that their world, their experience is inherently valuable and holy. As the mystery of God is deep and complex and unknowable, we perceive others in our lives as also deep and complex. While we may have needs and agendas that other people are a part of, to truly listen, we put aside our own reality and bring our full attention to hearing and understanding another’s experience. In this way, we allow the Sacred to be present between us and deepen our awareness of our connection with each other.
Our challenge in bringing depth and connection into our relationship with others can be addressed through our commitment to listen. When there are moments of conflict, it often means taking the lead and choosing to listen and fully understand where the other is coming from before we express our own perspective and needs. Sometimes, it takes great strength and commitment to hold back our own expression and create space for another. Our listening deepens our connection with another, not only by understanding their perspective, but allowing another to realize that their communication has been understood. We can make sure another feels fully understood by playing back to them what we heard and asking them if our understanding was accurate. Once they communicate that they are understood, then we share our perspective.
On Mt. Horeb, God taught the prophet Elijah that He was not in the whirlwind, the earthquake or the fire, but in the Kol demamah dakah – the still small voice. This teaching invites us to consider that what is essential and true is often not that which immediately catches our attention. While the thunder and lightning that characterized the revelation of God on Mount Sinai can symbolize the identification of sacred presence within experience of our senses, like the beholding of natural beauty, the invitation to listen to the “still small voice” invites us to seek beyond appearances. While the revelation at Mount Sinai calls our attention to the Divine Presence in the great events of history and in the actions of other people, the still small voice at Mount Horeb asks us to consider that our connection with another is not always evident on the surface. Sometimes, we can only hear the deeper truth if we are listening.